Inlaws and Outlaws: Arranged Marriage

“Why do the lead pair run around and roll about so much during a song sequence?” he asked, in genuine puzzlement, as though he were trying to decipher some deep-seated cultural response to falling in love that he had missed.

I assured him that the average Indian woman does not typically spring up and scamper off over hamlet, hill and dale with her lover in hot pursuit. But the question made me think about things that I had taken for granted. I tried to explain the gulf between reality and “reel”-ity. “

So… do you think you will have an Arranged Marriage?” he asked at the end of it. His tone suggested that it would be similar to offering myself up as the main course for a cannibal dinner.

“I don't know,” I shrugged. “I may, or I may not.” This was about four years back when I used to work with Steve at Janaagraha That was the time when I couldn’t really take care of myself lest think about falling in love or think about marraige and taking care of someone else.

When I think of marriage I recall what I had read in Alice and Wonderland as a small boy. Alice said “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” And so it is with the Indian Institution of Marriage.

No doubt a lot of things have changed over the years but some things stay stubbornly the same. People still want their spouses to be “fair.” Divorcees still claim “innocence.” And people mainly advertise their degrees and salaries as bait rather than talking about who they are.

The plain truth is that given the limitations on socialization between men and women in India, arranged marriages remain the norm for the vast majority. When I come to think of it a lot of things haunt me. When I see the girl and reject her(based on a photo, let's say), how will it affect the girl or guy, for that matter? Is it fair, or is it just the practical way of going about it?

I beg to differ. Having seen the highs and lows of arranged marriages I suppose I have other ideas in life. One point I would like to make clear is that I personally have nothing against arranged marriages. I always live life with my own perspective.

Should I marry someone just because my parents like her? Should I marry her because she is pretty and I can boast about it? Or should I marry her because our horoscopes match. The “tallying of horoscopes” is a necessary part of matchmaking in Southern India, as I think it continues to be in other regions as well. I think of astrology as a science that too often sanctions the mating of alligators and orangutans. No matter how spectacularly meshed one's horoscopes may be, only the most fatalistic could view it as a proper substitute for questions like:

“What is your opinion about Global Warming?”

Or, if you want to get really specific:

“Will you share in the cooking and laundry?

There are a lot of things that I fail to understand at this point of time and I suppose arranged marriage is one that I will never figure out. When I first told me mom about my girl friend she was shocked as most mothers would be. Not that she had anything against me falling in love until the point that I told her that I had. All hell broke loose after that. She said things like “I won’t be happy if you marry her”, “Do things the way I want till I am alive”, “Why does she call you often?”, “Why does she come home?”, so on and so forth. The initial way of all mothers to get their way is to shout which she too did with perfection. When she realized she had failed with that she unleashed the biggest weapon women have “EBM” Emotional Black Mail. Fortunately or unfortunately that too failed.

I had to make her realize that it was my happiness that mattered and not hers because it was I who had to live with her for the rest of my life, and coming to keeping her happy till she was alive I made her realize that she might live or another 20-30 years max but I gotta live more than that in the normal course. So I had to make the call not her. I also made her realize that keeping her happy and keeping myself happy were different issues and they should not be mixed. And as to why she came home I had to tell her that it was just to socialize with family members which my mom has unfortunately not done till now. Not that she has a choice.

She also says that she is happy with her arranged marriage and so are all my relatives. I have seen all the HAPPINESS and don’t want that kind of happiness for myself!!! I would rather try my own ways of doing things first. That’s the whole point of being an individual.

“I love my mom” and I can stand in a crowd and shout at the top of my voice. But that is not the issue. I also love myself. I have my likes and dislikes the way she does. I have duties that I must fulfill towards her but I have my rights too. I really would not appreciate if anyone tried to take that away from me be it anyone.

Having been active with school activities through the alumni I was involved with a lot of teenagers. There were a lot of these relations that were going on. I think back to a conversation I had with a school junior. When we had some time to ourselves, she asked casually “Anna (Big Bro in Kannada), which do you think is better, arranged marriages or falling in love?”

If she expected a sage sermon on the need to make a responsible and well-considered decision, my response must have been anticlimactic:

“My dear, if you're ultimately headed towards marriage, the path to it doesn't matter,” I said grinning wickedly.

“It all evens out in the end I guess!”